The law for cinema audiences…….

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Terminate with extreme prejudice.....

We’ve had some of you contact us about audience members spoiling a film with their behaviour and in fairness it’s annoying if you’ve forked out a fortune to see a film in Leicester Square only to find your sitting near someone who regards the cinema as their front room – chatting and making inane comments, putting their feet up on the seats and texting away like the end of the world is only seconds away.

If its any consolation we’ve been to press screenings where we’ve seen people wear a bobble hat throughout the film, take screenshots on their phone and in one case have a blazing argument.

So here’s a Top Ten list of irritating behaviour……

  1. Never EVER use your phone when the film is on. It’s distracting to the rest of us and what’s the point of paying to see a film if your just going to WhatsApp some other idiot who’s probably also in another cinema another the audience whilst he’s on his phone. And no! leaving it on silent is not on either as the phone screen light  just shows the rest of us your guilty face.  Our solution: Arm the ushers with Tazers.
  2. Don’t talk through the film. No one wants to hear your inane drivel as you inflict your commentary on the rest of us. Our solution: Arm the ushers with sweaty socks for stuffing in chatty mouths.
  3. If you’ve got a cough wait til you’re well enough to see the film without that irritating hacking cough that usually occurs during a vital plot point and infects the rest of us Our solution: Full medical at the box office before entering the cinema.
  4. Don’t take your shoes off. Same goes for breaking wind. Keep your whiffy body odours to yourself. We’ve had odorama before and it added nothing to the film. Our solution: Shower and colonic irrigation at the box office.
  5. Snacks – never understood why people have to eat when watching a film. Have a meal beforehand. A couple of years ago we saw a screening of SPECTRE and the guy next to us had bought along a full buffet including scotch eggs!!! If you must eat please no rustling wrappers or crunchy crisps. Our solution: only serve bread rolls that expand on contact with moisture rendering the eater unable to trough down on any more food.

There’s also embarassing displays of affection – GET A ROOM! and not forgetting the person with the bladder the size of a chick pea who slurps down an industrial vat of 7up- strap them to their seat so they have to sit in a pool of their own urine – it’ll guarantee they’ll never drink buckets of fizzy drinks at the cinema ever again.

So there you have the AnyGoodFilms guide to cinema etiquette. Happy cinema going for 2017.

Please feel free to tell us your bug bears and solutions……

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