So with The Hole in the Ground out now about a single mother and her son in the woods with spooky goings on …um …going on….. we thought we’d do a horror film guide how not to be a parent. Now much as any parent love their kids other peoples kids are often a bit of a challenge none more so than our Editors twin boys, Damien and Adolf, who when they come in to visit, we’re only to delighted to encourage them to play by the lift shaft with the faulty door. So beloved are they that even as a baby we had a whip round and bought them both a rattle though admittedly there was a snake at the other end. Anyway here’s the AnyGoodFilms horror guide how NOT to be a parent……
How NOT to be a parent-Don’t Take The Wrong Baby Home – As Seen In: The Omen
Leaving the hospital with the correct baby is parenting 101 – a kind of “fallen at the first hurdle or absolutely bossed it” test for brand-new parents. Now frankly if we’d bought our Editor’s twin boys, little Adolf and Damian home, we would have taken them straight back to the hospital and donated them to medical science. However if you do happen to walk out of hospital with the wrong little ‘un, at best it will create a socially awkward faux pas when you have to take the baby back. At worst, you could discover you’re accidentally raising the son of Satan himself, whose arrival in the mortal realm spells destruction for all mankind…….and he will be known as Trump.
How NOT to be a parent – Choose Bedtime Stories Carefully – As Seen In: The Babadook
Reading to your kids before bedtime is one of the most treasured parent-child activities. Or at least, that’s the way it’s supposed to be – a serene moment of parent-child bonding. except don’t read the The Babadook. Though our Editor tried terrifying his twins into submission by reading them Stephen King novels only to be called into their school the following week to speak to the headmaster about the sort of essays his twins were writing.
How NOT to be a parent – Forget The Baby Shower – As Seen In: Rosemary’s Baby
If you’re a new parent, the last thing you need is to organise a baby shower – you’re tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed with the experience of looking after this tiny human being or as we like to call our Deputy Editor. And while most baby showers will be all about the pressies and glowy vibes, there’s always the chance your friends and neighbours will reveal themselves as a coven of occultists who want to raise your baby as the antichrist. Best to play it safe and not bother with the organisational faff/otherworldly evil.
How NOT to be a parent – Have A Bath-Time Routine – As Seen In: Ghostbusters II
A nice bath should help any child sleep well. Be careful of the water temperature though, as babies can have very sensitive skin. Also, some children will be endlessly pursued by a plague of evil spirits aka the ghost of Michael Jackson & Jimmy Saville, in which case the bathroom taps may produce ectoplasmic slime instead of water. Be sure to dip your elbow in first to double-check.
How NOT to be a parent – Teach Them To Use Inside Voices – As Seen In: A Quiet Place
If your kid is shouting at a head-rattling volume or screaming the place down, the “inside voice” is one of the most important tools in a parent’s arsenal. Not all kids grasp the concept so easily however, but nothing will terrify them into shutting up like the threat of telling them they’ve been signed them up for private art tuition classes with Rolf Harris. Chuck out the old Father Christmas and Tooth Fairy stories in favour of this one and you’ll have non-stop peace and quiet.
How NOT to be a parent – Don’t Let Them Fall In With The Wrong Crowd – As Seen In: The Shining
Every child needs friends. Without a playmate, your kid will go round and round and round (on a tricycle through the corridors of a haunted hotel, most likely) bored out their tiny mind. But it’s a parent’s duty to make sure they make good friends – not the kind of ne’er-do-well who’s going to lead your kid astray. In other words, if they come home with two ghoul-like identical twins saying, “Come with play with us… forever and ever and ever” slam the door in their faces as its likely to be Jedward.
How NOT to be a parent – Get A Reliable Child Minder – As Seen In: Hereditary
When you need the kids looking after, who do you turn to? An older sibling could be option – which is all good and well until they accidentally decapitate the little ‘un. A grandparent is perhaps a more responsible choice perhaps. Although they might turn out to be the leader of an evil cult that’s using your kids as a vessel for the spirit of a centuries-old demon. Do yourself – and the soul of your child – a favour and get professional babysitter which is easier said than done after several months of sleepless nights when frankly you’ll grab any swivel eyed, meths quaffing loon off Shepherd’s Bush Green to babysit.
How NOT to be a parent – Lock The Doors – As Seen In: The Hole In The Ground
Kids wander – they’re adventurous, investigative little tykes. Which is all fine if you live in a secure environment with all the right safety measures in place: stair gate, play pen, garlic hanging in the door to ward off evil spirits…….that kind of thing. But if you move to an isolated cottage in the Irish wilderness, surrounded by spooky woods, like Sarah (Seána Kerslake) in The Hole in the Ground, you never know where the kids will get to. How long before they wander into the woods and return with super-strength and a strangely sinister demeanour?