Again a big thanks to the UK’s leading actor Ross Kempp (we’re sure he’s spelling his name wrongly) with another insight into the world of acting and this time he shows just how those skills you learn for a role can come in handy at the most unexpected moment…….
‘Some of you might find it hard to believe, but after my enforcing role at Home Bargains went down the pan (read about it HERE) I was again at a crossroads with what to do with myself in this Covid dominated world. After dropping a few emails to an old friend about seeing if the Kellogg’s Fruit N’ Fibre advert needs redoing with a more modern, hairless Ross, I was, once again, added to their ‘blocked’ list.
So I found myself sitting in the bedsit watching the news on the TV when I was again struck by another genius thought. Why not become a bodyguard? I saw this geezer Dominic Cummings getting a right hard time about shooting up to Durham to sort his old lady out. As far as I was concerned the journos were bang out of order and I’m a man who thrives on seeing justice done. Any right minded bloke would of done the same. Although I , for one, certainly DID NOT shoot up to Solihull in the Bedford Rascal to buy a fridge at a knock down price then zip back down to Canning Town market to resell it at a tasty little mark up. No way, Guv.
Whilst not seeing the bodyguard advert for Dominic Cummings anywhere I knew there was a job opportunity worthy of my years of training i did for my TV series Ultimate Force still the most realistic depiction of the SAS ever seen. I shot up (and by that I don’t mean with an Uzi 9mm) to Islington to apply in person. That shows initiative, a trait of any hired muscle, as any of my colleagues in the SAS will tell you. In a handbrake turn I screeched to a halt in my bullet proof Ford Capri (it’s a necessity of the job because of overeager autograph hunters).
My super sharp senses kicked in when I noticed a bunch of overweight middle aged paparazzi. My years at the top of the acting game had trained me how to deal with flashing cameras myself but mostly due to my setting off the speed cameras dotted along the A40. Instinct taught me that disabling the threat was going to be no walk in the park even with the government restrictions now lifted.
I had to think fast on my feet especially as the trusty Capri was double parked with the hazards on. But then it hit me! Ever eagle eyed and using my insider knowledge of knowing what a house looks like I identified that Cummings home was a terrace house. All I needed was to get into his neighbour’s house and break into Dom’s. Smearing camouflage paint across my face and shoving some leaves and twigs in my belt I managed to avoid the crowds and knocked on the neighbours door which was opened by a unemployed art student sporting dreadlocks and a ying-yang necklace. He was a right space cowboy but despite my being disguised as a pot plant he still recognized me. Impulse kicked in and I knew what he was after so in order to keep him sweet I simply presented him with a signed Ultimate Force dvd. I pointed to the loft and he knew what I wanted. With no other words, I was in. Sometimes acting is more than just words!
Pausing only to bust out a 12lb sledgehammer I smashed my way through the dividing brick walls making my way into Cumming’s lair. And there he was, startled at first as I emerged dust covered whilst holding a few back issues of Razzle I’d acquired along the way with my loft hopping journey. I know my physical presence can be all too intimidating for many being so close to what TV Quick described as, ‘an acting legend’ but I calmly reassured him saying, ‘You’re safe now, Dom!’.
In the reply to his question, ‘What the f**k are you doing in my house?’ I explained that I was there to offer my services protecting him from the paparazzi outside. Despite my escapades being well documented in Ultimate Force he still asked me my credentials. Unfortunately the dog had chewed my SIA license so I had to think on my feet. I quickly retraced my steps back up through the loft realizing his neighbour had a suit hanging up, which would be perfect for my tough image. Having re-emerged in the suit I think he was impressed even though it was as an 18th Century Japanese Sea Admiral.
Dom and I discussed my fee for getting him out. I wanted a monkey, he was offering me a pony. I think he was a bit confused telling me that there was a pet shop down the road. Instead I settled for a handful of Welcome Break vouchers. I told him the motor was outside ready to go. Using a pickle jar and a 4 pack of Skol lager representing us and the Capri I briefed him of my plan and pausing only to put his loudspeakers out the window I executed my plan. Flinging open the front door to a sea of shouting, I hit play on my phone. And blasting out across Islington, the crowd were deafened by a personal favourite of mine, Whitney Houston’s, “I will always love you”. With the Paps distracted we dived headlong through them with me shielding Dom from their view. Even if they had seen Dom they’d never have recognised him as I’d disguised him as a French maid.
Together we made good our escape into the Capri which by now had a parking ticket on sadly, but it’s Islington, and I wouldn’t have expected anything less from the lentil munching mincers.
Whisking Dom to the safety of my flat at a steady 28mph (you never know if the Old Bill are reading this), we celebrated the great escape, by watching edited highlights on ITV3 where you can still watch my real, life exploits in the Ultimate Force repeats.
So remember kids, those skills you learn for an acting job never leave you even when the show is over.